


Favourite Ex

by r_k



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, POV Remus Lupin, Sad Remus Lupin, Song Lyrics, The lost years, between wars, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 10:00:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29774472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r_k/pseuds/r_k
Summary: After James, Lily, and Peter are killed and Sirius goes to prison for their deaths, Remus has to figure out how to cope.You were my no sleepCried for weeksFavourite exSong fic inspired by Favorite Ex, by Maisie Peters
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 2





	Favourite Ex

**Author's Note:**

> Song fic inspired by Favorite Ex, by Maisie Peters

_ It was open and closing _

_ And hopelessly hoping for sure _

_ We were here, we were ghosting _

_ Both of us coasting on just _

_ Give a little more _

Remus sat heavily down on the threadbare couch in their living room.  _ Sirius’ _ living room, he thought, agony racing down his spine anew. He still couldn’t believe it--he was numb, fingers shaking as his right hand grasped uselessly at a thread coming loose from the seam of his trousers. 

Remus closed his eyes; the room in front of him, the flat he and Sirius had shared, burned into the backs of his eyelids. Mocking him, Remus thought bitterly. Mocking him because he had suspected--Remus had suspected that Sirius was the spy, but hadn’t dared believe it. 

_ You didn’t want to believe it, _ the mocking voice in his head told him.  _ You didn’t want to see the signs. _

No, he hadn’t wanted to see the signs. He had wanted to enjoy the small moments of normalcy. Sirius cooking Mrs. Potter’s curry in the kitchen, loudly teasing Remus for his aversion to spice but making it mild for him anyway; drinking tea in the mornings together in companionable silence, waiting for the caffeine to kick in; lazy mornings in bed, and  _ oh god _ the sex they had--

Remus’ eyes snapped open. He couldn’t stay here; here, where his and Sirius’ possessions mingled together, reminding Remus of the lie he had been living for the past seven months. He got up, knees creaking and head throbbing angrily at the sudden movement after a night of no sleep. Sirius was going to Azkaban,  _ where he belongs, _ Remus thought viciously. It was over now. 

_ It was all out my hands _

_ When you pulled the trigger _

_ And I kissed your friends _

_ 'Cause you friends said you kissed her _

_ And I didn't flinch _

_ And the lights didn't flicker and I _

_ I fell apart _

Remus finally broke down three days after he had hurriedly collected his belongings and left Sirius’ flat for good. There wasn’t an inciting incident; rather, it was all a bit anticlimactic really. One moment, he was in the garden outside his father’s cottage, pulling up the last of the autumn plants in the weak November sun, and the next he was in the dirt sobbing. His father found him there an hour later, hiccoughing with streaks of tears and dirt on his face. His father said nothing, but helped him up to his childhood bedroom like he had when Remus was a little boy, washed his face with a damp cloth, and tucked him into bed. 

_ You were my best nights and worst fights _

_ And couldn't care less _

_ You were my gold rush _

_ To cold touch _

_ Favourite ex _

_ And all of the others cancel out each other _

_ And it's always you left _

_ You were my no sleep _

_ Cried for weeks _

_ Favourite ex _

Remus recovered slowly. Two weeks after James and Lily and Peter--well,  _ after, _ he finally had the wherewithal to owl Dumbledore about Harry. Remus held no illusions that he would be allowed to raise him; werewolves were barely deemed fit to parent their own biological children, much less one he had no legal claim to. But, he had hoped he would at least be able to visit Harry, be part of his best friend’s son’s life. 

Dumbledore said no. 

He did it rather nicely, of course, as Dumbledore does. But Remus could read between the lines.  _ Harry has been placed with Lily’s sister, who has agreed to raise him outside of the attention of the magical world. I hope you appreciate the necessity of this, Remus. It is in James and Lily’s son’s best interest, which I know you would not want to jeopardize _ . Remus translated this to mean “stay away from Harry if you know what’s good for you.” 

Remus moved on. 

_ It was stabs in the back _

_ And the nice things you said _

_ When you were wasted _

_ I was looking for something _

_ And changing the one thing _

_ You hated _

Remus dreaded the nights more than the days. The days, he could escape into the mindless tedium of work. He had found a position as a barback at The Golden Niffler, a seedy bar tucked into a corner of Knockturn Alley. He had a sneaking suspicion the owner knew he was a werewolf, but was just desperate enough to not care when Remus had agreed to accept the pittance of a wage the man had offered. Remus knew this would change once his monthly transformations became too noticeable to the rest of the staff, but he soldered on for now. Heaving the barrels of beer up and down from the dank cellar below the bar was just exhausting enough so he might be able to sleep through most of the night. 

His dreams--or nightmares, he wasn’t quite sure which--were all about Sirius. 

Sirius holding him on their lumpy, threadbare couch that was much too small for two grown men. “Ah, but you see I like you like this, Moony. You’re right where I want you,” he would answer when Remus protested the cramped space. His eyes glittered as he pulled Remus on top of him, placing open-mouthed kisses on his neck. Remus would laugh and kiss back, even though the angle was awkward and the couch really did make a poor surface area for what they were doing. When they inevitably overbalanced and ended up on the floor, Sirius would bark out a laugh and pull Remus up and into their bedroom, picking up where they left off. 

The first time he had this dream, Remus sicked up the previous night’s dinner onto his bedroom floor upon waking.

Other dreams were...less terrible, but still nightmarish in their own way. James and Lily having the rest of them over for dinner, proudly showing off their new cottage in Godric’s Hollow. Lily going on about the new curtains she had put up that morning to Peter, who was listening politely with a vacant expression, while James muttered to a snickering Sirius “I have no bloody clue what was wrong with the old ones, mate, but whatever makes her happy, eh?” Remus looked on, smiling at his friends, happy and healthy and whole. 

He wept when he woke up from those dreams. 

_ It was all out my hands _

_ When you pulled the trigger _

_ And I kissed your friends _

_ 'Cause your friends said you kissed her _

_ And I didn't flinch _

_ And the lights didn't flicker _

_ And I, I fell apart _

The first moon was torture. 

It was a Tuesday, and Remus had been dreading it. This would be Remus’ first time transforming alone in--in years, since the summer between 6th and 7th year when he had had to return home and his friends hadn’t been able to come with him. After Hogwarts, when he and Sirius lived together, they always apparated to the clearing behind James’ parents house miles away from civilization where Moony could run free. Even when he and Sirius were fighting, even when the hollowness around James’ eyes was too deep and Peter clearly hadn’t slept in days, his friends would come for each moon. He himself had missed a few, off with the werewolf packs deep in the Scottish mountains, but even then he hadn’t been alone for the transformation. 

His father locked him in the cellar with a regretful air, and if Remus cried quietly to himself as he waited for the moon to rise and the beast to emerge, no one would know. 

_ And you were my best night _

_ And worst fight _

_ And couldn't care less _

_ You were my gold rush _

_ To cold touch _

_ Favourite ex _

He was sacked from his job at The Golden Niffler. It had lasted three months, more than Remus expected, and he left quietly and without a fuss when the owner gruffly told him he had missed too much work after the most recent full moon. 

He found odd jobs, never staying in one for more than a few weeks. He even, in desperation, tried to find muggle jobs, but without legitimate schooling credentials and no work history (in the muggle world, at least) to speak of, this plan fell apart rather quickly. His father tried to help him, but Lyall Lupin’s failing health was quickly becoming more apparent. 

He finally found a position editing articles for  _ Transfiguration Monthly _ , and even though the references to James and Sirius’ favorite subject occasionally gave him twinges of pain, he was grateful for the steadier supply of work. 

In his second month in the position, he was sent an article on animagi. It took him twice as long to edit, and his father quietly owled it back to the chief editor when he found it completed on the kitchen table and Remus outside vigorously digging in the garden, sweating in the summer sun. Remus was grateful; he knew it wasn’t possible, what with the work he was doing now, but he never wanted to hear about animagi again in his life. 

_ And all of the others _

_ Can sell out each other _

_ And it's always you left _

_ You were my no sleep _

_ Cried for weeks _

_ Favourite ex _

He steadfastly did not think of Sirius in Azkaban. He dreamed of it, sometimes. Sirius alone in his cell, laughing madly just as he had when Peter--well. When Sirius was caught by the Aurors. 

Remus put these dreams out of his head and continued to not think about Sirius. 

When his father died, peacefully in his sleep, Remus pulled together his money from  _ Transfiguration Monthly _ and held a simple service that only he attended. His father was buried next to his mother in their village’s graveyard. Remus thought about his mother’s funeral; James, holding his right hand, Sirius on his other side with his arm wrapped around Remus’ shoulders, Peter standing solemnly nearby, offering silent support. 

Remus buried his father, and did not think about Sirius. 

_ My favourite ex _

_ You were my best nights _

_ And worst fights _

_ And deepest breaths _

_ You were my gold rush _

_ To cold touch _

_ Favourite ex _

Remus went on a date with a muggle from the village. He had cornflower hair and green eyes, and looked nothing like Sirius. Remus vaguely recognized him from his childhood, but Remus had never really gotten the chance to play with the muggle boys near his parents’ house growing up. Geoffry, with the cornflower hair, was sweet and clearly liked Remus enough to not question his monthly disappearances and occasional bouts of depression. 

He dated Geoffry for three months, and then broke up with him on Sirius’ birthday. 

That evening, he drank the last of his father’s firewhisky, apparated to Godric’s Hollow (nearly spliching himself in the process), and visited James and Lily’s grave. He didn’t remember what he said to them, but he knew he woke up the next morning on the front lawn outside his cottage with a pounding headache and the remains of dried tears and snot on his cheeks. He still had the empty firewhiskey bottle clutched in his hand. 

_ And all of the others _

_ Can sell out each other _

_ And it's always you left _

_ 'Cause you were my no sleep _

_ Cried for weeks _

_ Favourite ex _

Somehow, Remus continued on. He became...content wasn’t the right word, but something close to it. He didn’t think about Sirius, about Hogwarts, about his past. He ventured into the muggle world more and more, drifting through the years. He sporadically wrote to the surviving members of the Order who wished to keep in touch; he met Dedalus Diggle for drinks every few months, and occasionally exchanged an owl with Professor McGonagall to ask a question about his transfiguration work. 

He did not think about Sirius Black, until his copy of the Daily Prophet was delivered in July 1993, and Sirius’ face glared out at him from the front page. 

**Author's Note:**

> Favourite Ex is an amazing song, highly recommend you go listen to it! I heard it and immediately thought this is so Wolfstar.


End file.
